A Love Letter to Myself

I woke up this morning hungover (again) and nervous to uncover how the rest of my night went down.  Guilt. Shame.  Embarrassment.  These weigh heavy on me today after experiencing yet another blackout while with my friend.  Why, after so many years, am I making the same fucking mistakes?

Today’s post is what I love and what I hate about alcohol, in hopes it will help me to decipher why I drink as much as I do and why I feel I need to drink at all.

What I Hate:

  1. Blackouts
  2. Hangovers
  3. Associated guilt/shame/embarrassment
  4. Disappointing friends and loved ones by being unavailable or being an embarrassment
  5. Feeling like I am not in control

Why I like Alcohol:

  1.  Release – but is it really? It seems to be creating more stress than not these days
  2. The velvety taste of wine on a cold night, or the feel of a cold beer on a hot day
  3. Isolation.

Clearly there aren’t many reasons to keep it in my life, but I continue to imbibe. Why? Why is my life so stressful?  What is it I need to escape from?  Loneliness? As stated about, you can see that alcohol contributes to the loneliness.

 

I am grateful that I have understanding people in my life, who don’t explode on me when I ghost them in the middle of a night out because I have decided I am ready to go home.  But these people won’t be  understanding forever. Time to face the facts, Kate.  You can’t fuck with alcohol.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s