The Forever Hunt for Happiness

The saying goes if you’re not happy, then you need to change something in your life. Right now I’m not happy. I feel lonely much of the time, and am tired of going home at the end of the day to an empty bed. For many years I was comfortable with this, even embraced it.

Now, something is missing. I feel lost. Maybe it’s because my friends are all moving forward in life, dating, hanging out with their significant others more than friends and getting engaged. I hang back, unsure how to move forward on my own. Not to say I haven’t gone on “dates”, but these dates are usually more painful than enjoyable. And generally speaking, those dates that do go well usually end in heartbreak on my end.

Sometimes I think back to what made me happy when I was younger- but then I acknowledge I spent a lot of time unhappy while battling my eating disorder, and I need to focus on what makes me happy now. Concerts, the beach and summer cookouts. Long runs in the rain, the sun, at night. Sports games and enjoying sports with friends.

Maybe the problem is I no longer have a group I can always rely on being around with who I can share adventures. I have plenty of friends. But right now, I need a partner in crime and in life. Boyfriend, girlfriend, call it what you will. Someone who will hang out with me.

My life is not full of happiness and love. Sometimes I question my existence and what my purpose is. I still have yet to figure that out. What will make me more happy? A new job? No, I’m not sure that will fix my problem.

When you Google “loneliness”, top hits include things like “Buy a pet!” or “join a meetup group!” In theory, a pet would be wonderful. I have wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. But a dog wouldn’t solve my problem. Clearly google can’t help me out, either.

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