And Indian Food. You got to love Indian Food. It’s completely comfort food- rice, creamy sauce and chunks of meat with bread. It is comfort food in every culture.
Today I feel quite unsettled, restless. Just a recap on my life: there are two major players that I really care about, both completely unobtainable for different reasons. One is now more or less not present. He is deployed and, though we talk regularly via messenger, I have started to see him more as a close friend.
The other is close to home (after all, I am the queen of shitting where I eat). We have gotten into a pattern where we flirt more and more regularly to a point of peak intensity. Then we go out, we drink, we fuck. And the cycle resets. After the second time of this, me being me got drunk and asked him what it was he wanted and whether or not he was interested.
“What do you think?”
” I don’t know, I don’t want to play games”
” No, I’m not interested but I don’t want you to take it as a personal affront”
Ok first of all, of course I take it personally. He gives me all of the signals that he’s interested and then, when the opportunity presents, he backs down.
It happened again Friday. It felt so comfortable. The next morning I really wanted to cuddle but I held myself back – I couldn’t read him. When he dropped me off, I said to him “look, if your feelings haven’t changed then I can’t keep doing this”.
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea”.
I deleted him from my phone so I don’t drunk text him. The obvious answer is that the ball is in his court… if he’s interested in anything, he needs to step up. In the meantime, it’s my job to move on. Doesn’t make it any easier.
So today, I am restless. I have eaten comfort food two days in a row, I keep myself running and walking and now, I have settled with wine and chocolate. Comfort. I need comfort. Loneliness is not my friend.
Do any of my readers have similar experiences. Have you been that guy? I would love to hear about it.