Am I crazy? How can I be in love with someone who is unobtainable. Why do I crave his touch, his lips, his smile? What is it about him that makes him so incredibly amazing? I am floating in a world of ecstasy when I’m near him, and pain when I’m not. Knowing he’s not fully mine, knowing I can never have him… I’m not sure I knew such pain before. And yet I continue the facade. Because, in my mind it is better to have him some than not have him at all.

Which leads me back to the question of my sanity. Is anyone worth this kind of torture? I’m not sure. But right now, he is.

I wonder if years down the line I will regret this time of my life. The hours spent torturing myself. Time “wasted” as others will later tell me.

He’s leaving. He’s going away, not by his own choice. He will presumably be back at some point. How will I feel when he returns? How will he feel? How will we be different. I worry he will have seen other things, met other people. I worry he will lose interest in me. Will I lose interest in him?

I cannot predict the future. I’m trying to live in the *now*. But even the *now* is unpredictable. Painful. I cannot control anything and I am going crazy.

What is love? Is there actually “a one”? I have always believed love to be a mix of respect, hormones and lust. Now I’m not so sure. Do I really “love” him? If I don’t, why does the pain of him being gone surpass everything else?

I must be going crazy.


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