Restless

I’m feeling restless, antsy. I don’t know what to do with my mouth, my hands, my brain, my body.

I am stuck at home with strep throat, which has led to a little too much time for thinking. Sure, a hobby would come in handy during these hours, however my hobby is running. I can’t run with strep throat. Of course, I could read, do a puzzle, color… but my brain is in too many places to do any of that. So instead, I write.

As many of you know, I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was in high school. This aftermath was years of therapy, hard to break habits, and fluctuating weight. I had no feelings of self worth (and this still happens). You see, an eating disorder is an addiction, a coping mechanism like anything else. The issue with my treatment was, while I was told not eating was bad, no one gave me coping skills to replace my anorexia. This left me with many anxious nights and feelings of restlessness. No one got to the root of the problem (of course, the only thing that matters in ED treatment is normalization).

In high school I treated these restless nights with sugar binges alone in the basement alone. The only time of the day where I could let go of all of the rules I had once bestowed upon myself. If something disrupted this habit I would get anxious, start sweating and turn really mean to anyone in my way.

In college and grad school my restlessness manifested in many different ways- between restriction, over exercising, sugar binges and alcohol My life has been an up and down of highs of all varieties aiming to achieve the same response: calm.

This past year has been particularly restless for me, likely in the setting of unfortunate love. My sugar binges and black out nights are not creating the calm but only worsening the anxiety. This realization has caused me to take a step back. I am off of alcohol binges for the foreseeable future (and I have made it known to several friends). I am trying to stay active but not over do it.. getting sick has definitely slowed me down but probably worsened my restlessness.

And so, I write.

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