I always tell people, you know whether or not I slept well by the structure of my sheets in the morning. This morning my sheets were like an additional body on the floor, a person that was tossed around all night long and finally crumpled into a tight ball. I was covered in cold sweat. I can still smell you on my sheets and, at this particular moment in time, I find that incredibly painful. I just washed my sheets yesterday but I am washing them again today. I don’t want to smell you today.
Sometimes I question how much a woman can torture herself, allow herself to believe something that simply will never happen. Hope or naivety? I’m leaning towards the latter in this particular scenario. You know better, though. This isn’t your first time down this road. The thought alone both angers and saddens me. I find myself wondering how you see me. I quickly have to brush the thought away, distract myself.
Today begins my third marathon training cycle, and for that I am incredibly grateful. Distraction is necessary. Escape from my head is necessary. Sometimes, that means pushing yourself to the limit just to forget any other pain you may be experiencing.
When will I learn to let go? Soon, I always say. I will let go soon. But probably not before this destroys me completely. Or I learn to hate you.