Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be normal. As long as I can remember, I have felt like a black cloud, dragging myself and everyone around me down. Starting in high school, when I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder, carrying me all the way through college and graduate school. 17 years of suffering, of a darkness. 17 years of feeling completely alone.
What does depression feel like? I imagine it is different for everyone. For me, depression starts the same. I feel OK in the morning. Surprisingly, I’m usually an optimist. But then the day progresses and I start to feel the cloud come overhead. It gets closer and closer until I feel submerged. Sometimes I can fight the feeling, hold it off for a little while. Sometimes I try to fight it off with some endorphin substitute (chocolate, running if I can make it out in time, sex). Of course, that’s a temporary fix. Lately, I have felt submerged more than not- the only way I can describe it is that I’m drowning. I’m drowning and I can’t get air. And there’s no one around that even gives a fuck because I’ve pushed them all away.
My posts have been dark as of late, and that’s the honest me. I’m working on getting better, hoping to get over this hump. But if history tells me anything, medications and therapy will only get me so far. Sometimes I worry that I’m doomed to live a life of emptiness and drowning forever.