I Will Not Talk to my Own Darkness Anymore

I recently took a Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) to screen myself for depression.  My score indicated that I was at a moderate risk for depression.

I believe I have been depressed most of my life, at least since High School.  There were a lot of parts of my adolescence that were out of my control and as a result, I developed an eating disorder. Years of malnutrition and chronic anxiety, led to what I believe is a ‘chronically depressed’ state.  Now, 15 years later, I have finally realized that I have a problem that requires some serious help.  A month ago, I went to my primary care doctor and presented the facts.  She prescribed me an antidepressant (a SSRI known as citalopram), however I developed severe nausea, low sex drive, and a flat affect.  The symptoms persisted even after reducing the dose.  At the time I stopped the drug, I felt great.

But now without medication, my brain feels disorganized.  Sometimes I feel like I’m flat out drowning and a darkness takes over.  As a result of my distractions, I can’t be there for my family, or for my friends.  Instead I’m stuck in my own brain.

September was suicide awareness month.  I can be honest to the internet world and say, I have had thoughts of suicide.  Nothing serious, but the thoughts are there.  “No one would miss you” . “Your ugly, stupid and fat”.  These are what my thoughts tell me.

Right now my drugs of choice are caffeine, endorphins, and sex, with a jigger of alcohol.  I think sex is my saving grace.

Today, I emailed my PCP with hopes of trying a new drug.  I feel ok right now, stable.  But I know the thoughts will return. I encourage all of you struggling to also reach out.  Drugs aren’t always the choice, but if your neurotransmitters are off like mine likely are, a push in the right direction can’t hurt!


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