Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy – Robert Tew
Step one in my happiness project is to respect myself. For the past few months, I have been lying to myself. I have entertained an unobtainable relationship, all the while telling myself it was okay. It’s not real, I won’t get attached. It’s just sex.
Famous last words.
At first it was just once. Then twice. Before I knew it, the pseudo relationship had carried on for months. We were in constant communication- texts throughout the day, sharing thoughts and feelings. Occasional phone calls, lasting an hour or more (my friends can tell you this would never happen).
It’s just sex. It means nothing.
Then he started to become more distant. Disappearing after he had gotten what he had wanted. Reappearing when he was craving more, and telling me anything he could to draw me back to him. And I would go back, every time.
It’s just sex
Our time together was longer, more intimate. I began to crave him. I liked feeling close to him. I liked how he smelled. I liked talking with him. As he became more distant, I got angry and sad. It took me a while to understand where my anger was originating.
Ladies, it’s not just sex. It’s never just sex. No matter how hard you try, and how hard you fight, there’s always going to be some level of emotional attachment. I was the fool who let myself believe that maybe this was different. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want this person to date me, but I crave the companionship and over time, the connection that we built became so strong that not hearing from him made me sick to my stomach. A million thoughts ran through my head, and many of them were not positive for me.
I’m so ugly. I must be bad in bed. I am getting fat.
A million messages of self hate. And then, three days later, as if he was listening to me torture myself for days, he would send me a casual message….
You know, I always thought I would be a strong woman. I never thought I would let some guy control my thoughts, feelings, and make me feel bad about myself. Alas, I was vulnerable and it happened. Now it’s time to recognize the problem, dump it, and move on!
Until next time on My Happiness Project.